your parents love me but you hate me
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Is this like a preordered booty call?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
