all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
