Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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