I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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