Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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