I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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