I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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