I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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