The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
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