Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
