Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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