gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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