eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
