Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
