i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
