just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
