So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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