I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
