I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
