we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
