Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
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