On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
