was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
