I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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