I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
