Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize