I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
