i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
