Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
