My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
