Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.