puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
