I looked at my own cervix.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
