just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
