I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
