I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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