You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
How's work?
Spinning.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
