I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
