Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize