I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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