You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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