he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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