Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
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My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
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Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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