battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
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I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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