My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
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