tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
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