I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
