I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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