I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
