she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
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