he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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