My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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