My friends, they love my intelligence
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
