I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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