You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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